11

As I wash my hands in the restroom, watching amusing antics of coworkers behind me. For example, the guy unbuckling his pants as he briskly strides across the restroom, prior to even entering the stall.

10

Overhearing a *clicking* noise of mobile phones in the restroom stalls.

"This email was sent from my wireless Blackberry handset while I was taking a shit. Please forgive terse language, the stench, and errors in spelling and grammer."

That's efficiency.

9

Crazy co-workers. So this guy got fired at my place of employment last week. On Friday, right before he walked out, he sent the following email to a good portion of the company, including all of the big time higher-ups. This is truly a flameout of spectacular proportions. You know the corporate attorneys are working overtime on this one. I hope he has a good lawyer.

Dear Co-Workers and Managers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful [name removed] : in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.

Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "meets expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Trish!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To [name removed], I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about [name removed] were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To [name removed] whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To [name removed], you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )

To [name removed] (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brenda and I learned all too much from it. I still can't believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

[Name removed] (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company's rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, [name removed] and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it's a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us "faceless little people" more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient ("because it's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don't bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

"Doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie" = priceless.

8

Wendy's Manager Shot Over Limit On Chili Sauce
Now I love me some Wendy's chili sauce. I've been known to put it on fries, mix it into my ketchup, pour it on baked potatoes... and I get pretty pissed off if they forget to put it in the bag when I ask for it. I might even be tempted to shoot someone over it. Might.

But 10 packets? Who the hell needs that much chili sauce for one meal? That's just craziness.

7

We have a distinct format here. All titles are a number. Nothing less, nothing more. This isn't post #7, it's just 7. See how simple that is? Yet some people keep on trying to stray from the formula.

Over on 1001 Things That Piss Me Off, ol' Whistler Thompson got reprimanded for it already. What's that about taking a class on listening, Jake? Hahaha.

#6 - Pretending I think people are yelling at me when they leave caps lock on in IM

Me - the PAR IDs are no longer assigned to me, so I can't make changes
Manager - THEN JUST REPORT TIME FROM 5/5 AND BEYOND
Me - !!
Manager - sorry CAPS LOCK on. didn't mean to shout

#5 - Discussions overheard from my desk at work, Part 1

Roles
Project Manager 1
Project Manager 2

PM1: "What I need to find out now is, where did this information come from? Do I need to reach out to testing, or the developers?"

PM2: "We're dealing with a Chicken and Egg situation."

PM1: "Which one came first, the Chicken or the Egg?"

PM2: "Well, in this case, it's the Chicken."

PM1: "Okay...Wait...who is the Chicken?"

4

When my son was little, I spent an inordinate amount of time telling him that he musn't get too close to our gas range, because fire was hot and could give him a painful burn. Being one to constantly test limits, he would often creep his hand toward the burner, earning yet another lecture on the dangers of fire and burning oneself. Eventually he learned, and steered clear of the stove.

I also was able instill in him a deep respect for power tools - particularly drills - after constantly warning him about their potential dangers.

So when preschool time rolled around, it really shouldn't have come as a surprise to me that when his teacher announced "class, in 20 minutes we are going to have a Fire Drill," he had a complete nervous breakdown before she could get to the explanation of what a fire drill entailed.

Apparently he imagined some sort of flame throwing power tool of death that was going to "burn them all".

3

People who don't listen to song lyrics. In the hall today, I heard a coworker announce (without a hint of irony) that Billy Idol's "White Wedding" would be played as the first dance at her wedding.

Whoa.

Considering it is a song about, at best, bad choices, and more likely, about a heroin addict falling off the wagon - that might not be the most appropriate choice.

2

"Looking back, the lion was a bad idea. That's why Dr. Shakalu is gonna hook us up with a monkey. I'm gonna teach it tae kwon do."

"Yeah, karate monkey... Yeah, that's probably safer..."

1

"Whoa, chill bro... You know you can't raise your voice like that when the lion's here."